5 Keys to Brain Picking Etiquette

So You Want to Pick My Brain…

Here’s what you need to know before making a major networking faux pas.

This post goes out to all of my self-employed business owners, consultants, coaches, musicians, artists, and creators - those brave souls who have left the security of a guaranteed paycheck to pursue their passion and build their dreams.

This topic has been a source of annoyance, frustration and all out rage. Rather than continuing to bitch and man, I felt inspired to convert this negative feeling to a learning opportunity. Let’s put it all out on the table - the good, the bad, the ugly, and so we can figure out what we can do about it.

The truth is self-employed people need to connect and build relationships to feed their business development pipeline. We collaborate with people in and out of our expertise. We meet with potential clients and people who broker relationships.

But what if our open-door policy to connecting could be hurting our business?

Let’s talk about the etiquette of brain picking.

It seems harmless and helpful, but this act of non-compensated solicitation of expertise has a dark side.

Let’s start with a little story.

As a coach with a presence on social media, I got contacted on a monthly basis. Some were coaches, some were people wanting to be coaches and some wanted free advice.

It comes in as:

“Hey can you chat?”

“My friend wants to be a coach, can you talk to them?”

“Can we meet for coffee?”

“So can I pick you brain?

When these requests first started to come in, I thought, “awesome a new coach to work with” or “woohoo a new potential client”. I’d adjust my schedule and meet them where they were, spending 3–4 hours commuting round trip and meeting where it was convenient for them. I’d spend money on Ubers and coffee and lunch.

After the veneer of flattery wore off, I realized that I had just given away my time, resources and expertise AND even paid for it. I had willingly given away my power. I felt like I had been duped. How could I have been so far off from expectation to reality?

Then I got honest and asked myself:

What did I want my networking and business development to look and feel like?

Who did I want to meet with? Who didn’t I want to meet with?

How many people could I reasonably meet with in a week or month while maintaining my current load of clients?

What was I willing to share?

What was I not willing to share?

What was triggering me about getting my brain picked?

I have huge values (I’m mean HUGE) around time, efficiency and connection. I believe in reciprocity which can come in referrals, expertise, currency, heavy lifting, coffee, lunch etc. Brain-picking felt very one-sided and empty. I felt used.

Not every interaction was negative, but some left me with a bad taste in my mouth or even a migraine.

What made the difference in the interactions?

Boundaries. In the situations where there weren’t clear expectations or objectives for meeting it felt like a gray area where I lost my power. I felt taken advantage of and pissed off.

So I decided to Ieverage technology in my scheduling process and instituted new boundaries. I gave people a scheduling link where they had the option to either meet by phone or Zoom for 30 minutes at a time and then I had a box for that person to fill out what they wanted to chat about.

Pure admission, I didn’t put that field in (thank you Acuity Scheduling), but I learned that it was a tell-tale sign of whether I was going to feel appreciated and valued or if I felt like my brain was going to get pillaged.

The people who bypassed the field, talked in circles or at me and didn’t have a clear focus on what they wanted or needed.

The people who were thoughtful and had clear questions, were respectful of time boundaries and came with a clear question or request.

If they wanted more than 30 minutes or to meet in person, I gave them an option to book a strategy session or consultation. When I first started this process, I feared that people would think I was a bitch (and some might), but more surprisingly, it invited more serious players into my world.

Prospective coaching clients fill out an application prior to a consult and potential partners answer a simple questionnaire before scheduling a time.

What to do instead of Brain-Picking:

1) Ask a Clear Question — What do you want to know and why?

2) Offer to Pay for Services You’ve Rendered — What is a fair price for the advice, knowledge, training you’ve received?

3) Google It — Try to figure it out on your own. If you don’t know what to search for see item 1.

4) Take an Online Course — If you know what you’re looking for and need guidance, there are tons of step-by-step videos on YouTube and other online platforms like Teachable and Udemy. If you still have questions, see item 1

5) Prepare an Agenda and Share it With the Other Person — All relationships breakdown from unmet expectations.

When you’re clear about what you want to cover and when, it shows the other person that you’re serious and have your thoughts together.

If you are a small business owner and paying isn’t in the budget, offer a reciprocation in referrals or write a testimonial.

If you work for a large and established company, pay people. It’s good karma and the abundance elves will pay dividends on your good deeds.

Ultimately our time is valuable, so the more prepared and proactive we are, the more present we can be and the more power we can produce.

I encourage you to look at your business development inquiry process and see where the energy leak spots are. What could you do differently to honor your boundaries and values?

My final words… Stop Requesting to “Pick My Brain” and Start Asking for What You Really Want to Know

100 Days of Blogging: 7 Lessons Learned

The Tuesday after Labor Day, my boyfriend left for Barcelona for a week with his mom on their annual vacation. After getting over the initial funk of being left behind, I decided to take advantage of this new found free time.

It had been over a year since I wrote with real substance. I was on my way to finishing two books when it all came crashing down. A personal story I shared with a family member was passed along to other family members and blew up in my face. In retrospect, I was sharing my diary and that wasn't meant for anyone else's consumption. I always loved to write - even term papers in school. I would love to feel the slight resistance of the keys under my finger tips and got giddy watching the screen fill with words. I missed my old friend.

With a relatively open calendar, I decided to embark on a long-term challenge - write every day. What started as a 30-Day Blog Challenge quickly evolved into 100 days. People thought I was crazy or that I would quit. Like most people I lost interest pretty quickly in challenges, but this was different. This was an opportunity to spark my creativity, increase my accountability and share my thoughts and opinions.

I wrote about relationships, business, life hacks, time management and my dog. Whatever I was passionate about at the moment, I wrote it down. My workouts and walks soon became opportunities to brainstorm new topics. My friends and clients inspired advice-based posts. I saw the world and myself in a new way. I became a writer.

I can now say that my writer's block is resolved and I've created two e-books as a result of the blog with more on the way. I am comfortable in front of a keyboard and love writing again!

Here are the Blog Stats By the Numbers:

Total Word Count Over 100 days: 37,999 words (damn it, I just needed one more word for 38,000!)

Average Word Count Per Post: 379 words

Longest Blog: 977 words (http://laurenlemunyan.com/30dayblog/=/10-things-you-should-and-shouldnt-do-when-starting-a-business?rq=should%20and%20shouldn%27t)

Shortest Blog: 169 words (http://laurenlemunyan.com/30dayblog/=/6wzyipmv9tpwbp1ms05hqsq5mt71m3)

My Favorite Blog: http://laurenlemunyan.com/30dayblog/=/6wzyipmv9tpwbp1ms05hqsq5mt71m3

Most Read Blog: http://laurenlemunyan.com/30dayblog/=/10-things-you-should-and-shouldnt-do-when-starting-a-business?rq=should%20and%20shouldn%27t

This wasn't all fun and self-realization. I learned some hard lessons along the way. 

Lessons Learned

1)      Proofread Before Posting. My mind works faster than my fingers and at times I skip over words and “ings” or “ed.” I'm pretty sure each post had at least two errors in it, which my mom was happy to point out. I've since tried to go back through and fix the glaring errors. When posting every day, time is of the essence and in my opinion it doesn't need to be perfect to be done.

2)      I’m human. I make mistakes and if you judge me based on my spelling or grammatical errors, I challenge you to a 100-Day Blog Duel! Do you accept?? In all seriousness, human error is a real thing. I've learned to be more patient and less judgmental when I see errors in other people's work.

3)      Doing Something Every Day Can Be A Challenge, But Anything is Possible. Even with workouts and diet, I was never on every day. I actually thought I may have to skip a day or two, but fortunately I could plan out my week to schedule a post or two if I knew I was going to be busy. I love a good contingency plan! This was no exception.

4)      Not Everyone Cares That You’re Writing a Blog. Blogs are like opinions and podcasts (I have one of those too!), everyone has them and some are more in your face than others. It’s up to you what you decide to spend your time on. I hope I provided value, if not, then entertainment. On the same note, don't get wrapped up into the visits or reads of your post. I got more excited hearing from the one person who read a post and learned from it than the 200 people who read and said nothing.

5)      I Say I Won’t Do This Again, But We All Know It’s a Lie. This was a huge undertaking and I’m pretty tapped out from writing. I’ll take a break and reassess where I want to use my time and energy in the future. (2 Months Later.... I'm back at writing, but not as a daily practice or challenge.)

6)      Not Every Post is My Favorite, But They’re Mine. I guess blogging is like having a lot of kids. Some are cuter than others. Some help you. Some are jerks. Some you wish never happened, but they all come from you and for that you love them! (Can you tell I’m not a parent?) 

7)      I’m Capable of More Than I Think. Yes, I pushed myself and maxed out my energy. This was a challenge to break out of my judgment and restraint around writing. That has certainly been busted into a million pieces. I am a writer. I am a blogger. I am a coach. I am awesome.

I can’t believe this challenge is over. It’s bittersweet, which sounds so cliché. It’s been my weekend writing ritual and my morning posting routine. It’s been my outlet of expression and door to connect with others. It allowed me to take risks and say what was on my mind. It also left me wide open to judgment and criticism. It was a constant reminder to stay on my path, but also served as a distraction to other important aspects like self-care and focusing on core business practices.

It’s been a journey and I’m happy I took the first step. So here’s a giant high-five to me!

My 2018 Business Goals

Earlier today I designed a graphic for a client representing her dream life in 10 years. She's a public figure and wants to expand her reach into the media world. I immediately thought of designing her a magazine cover. It was awesome (she thought so too!). I sent it over and wondered why I hadn't done it for myself.

Like most inspirational tools I design, they are inspired by my clients. I actually really love developing visual tools to help them see their progress, goals, and ideal images. I've created an Ideal Leader, Ideal Client, Life Map, Value Compass and now 10-Year Dream Board Image.

So I designed myself one for 2018 with my goals. I'm going big, because why the hell not?! I'm big on setting intentions and sharing it with others. So if you're reading this and you want to be a part of me making big moves in 2018, you can get started in 2017!

Here is the image.

2018 Goals

1. Make it on a magazine cover

2. Known as "Spitting Some Fire" in my "Super Fucking Magical Coaching" and hosting "The SpitFire Podcast"

3. 25+ Paid Speaking Gigs

4. 15 Active Clients Per Month

5. 2 Published Books

6. The SpitFire Podcast is killing it in downloads and sponsorship

7. Ongoing referrals for Confidence and Leadership Training for Existing and Emerging CEOs

8. I live by the motto "If It's Not Fun, Why Do It?!

9. I am a catalyst of positive change

10. I help people take care of themselves, so they can take care of business.

11. Quadruple 2017 Revenue

Before 2018 is here, I'd love to see your goals. Feel free to post them in the comment section or email it to me lauren@laurenlemunyan.com

Three Questions That Will Change Your Life

Are you ready to find the holy grail of question asking to know what you should do? Yes? Are You Sure?

Hehe those were three questions, but not the questions that will change your life.

As a coach, we are trained to have a tool box of tactics and engaging questions to get our clients to think beyond the known and go to the untapped vault of creativity and imagination. We guide people through the self-imposed and externally position stress and judgment to open their eyes to what could be possible.

See if what you were doing was working for you, you wouldn’t be reading this blog and you probably wouldn’t be seeking external expertise (P.S. You’re super smart for doing that. The most awesome, smartest people in the world have coaches). So I’m going to key you into the most awesome grouping of questions to get your future-self-brainpower going.

Ready?

You sure? Because things aren’t that bad. You know what to expect. You know what’s going to happen and how you need to show up to get a desired outcome. It’s safe there.

What’s that? You don’t want to be the same? You don’t want to keep being small? You’re ready to live large and all out?

Okay! You’re ready!

Here are the questions:

1)      What Do You Want?

2)      Why Do You Want It?

3)      What Would Be Different If You Had It?

 Ta-daaaaaaaa!

Answer those questions and make it happen. It’s that easy! If it’s not doable, you most likely have some blocks to success called GAILs (Gremlins, Assumptions, Interpretations, and Limiting Beliefs). These guys are within all of us and with the proper coping strategies and tactics to leverage them, you too can have the life you dreamed of!

My Boss is Being a Jerk. What Do I Do to Not Lose My Shit?

My Boss is Being a Jerk. What Do I Do to Not Lose My Shit?

That was the text message I received from a client minutes ago.  Her boss is notorious for pushing her buttons and triggering a stress reaction. This is what I said to her.

Step 1: Walk away calmly

Step 2: Get some water and take slow sips

Step 3: Get outside and walk while taking deep breaths

Step 4: Imaging him as a cartoon

It seemed to do the trick, so now I’m passing it along.

Internal Pressure

It’s Sunday morning and DC just got its first snow of the season. This should be the perfect time to write some pithy and epic, but it’s not. Instead, I’m looking at a monster of a “To Do” list that has been growing by the minute.

My mom came into town on Thursday morning and I should’ve been able to unplug and turn off the nagging projects and errands I needed to run, but I didn’t. I didn’t even write down what I needed to do – resulting in the swirling of anxiety, worry and frustration that I wouldn’t have enough time to get everything done.

With the approaching end of the 100-Day Blog Challenge, I couldn’t give up with less than a week to go, that would be insane. Or would it be brilliant?

That thought alone gave me permission to walk away if I wanted to. I don’t want to by the way. That idea gave me pause and opened up another door to examine other commitments, projects and obligations that I thought I had to do.

As a result of the reflection, I decided to shift my energy from a group coaching program to a targeted one-on-one program to get people inspired and organized to start a business. I also decided to scrap another group program I had scheduled for January.

I realized I needed to minimize my obligations and priorities what was important.

What’s important to me is:

1)      Rest – My sleep pattern has sucked. My self-imposed pressure has created a shit show in my head when it’s time to decompress and recharge.

2)      Keeping My Word – I mean what I say and I say what I mean. I offer when I can and have the available time and resources.

3)      Being Present – When I’m with friends and clients, I’m there. No phone, computer or internal story distractions.

4)      Creating – Whether it’s art, writing, podcasting or putting an outfit together, I love when the mojo flows.

In writing this blog, I’ve lessened the pressure a bit (it still hangs out a bit) and have the energy to create and design my next moves.